The Christmas Boot

In other words, the magical day is gone and with it all the not-so-magical stress and headaches. People get so wonked out about the C-Day =)

Anyhow, let's see, some Raelin antics for the day. Kelly was working at the co-op, so it was the weekly dad-and-raelin show, and it was a fun one. At one point, Raelin asked for some frozen blueberries, but there were none, frozen mango then? Nope again. Then what do we have? Frozen strawberries, so she plowed though a bunch of those. And while she was quietly munching, I took the chance to clean up the kitchen a bit.

She finished her berries before I had finished the kitchen, and before I knew it, she had pulled out her broom and was sweeping the floor. Then she got out a bowl and started "mopping" the floor, and washing the window, and the cabinets, all with her wet broom. I followed shortly after with a towel to clean up all the water. When Raelin gave me a worried look, like I was undoing her cleaning, I told her that the other part of mopping is drying the floor off with a towel, which made her happy again.

Then it was dinner and tub. We have some new bubble bath soap, so she had lots of bubbles in her tub. For the past several weeks we've been back on the line the plastic animals up on the edge of the tub. Tonight, she passed 3 of them through some bubbles, and then said "those ones have skirts on, and those ones don't" as she pointed to the rest of the line up. I couldn't figure out what she was talking about, and so kept asking what she meant, and she kept saying the same thing. Finally I looked really closely at the 3 she was talking about, and sure enough, there were clumps of bubbles in their legs that looked like little bubble skirts. Once again, if Raelin says there's something there, there's something there =)

Other than that, since it's now winter in Maine, weather's always something to talk about. All the snow we got early on has been melted out by rain. Finally the storm yesterday turned from rain to snow and we got a couple fresh inches, which will possibly be washed away by the next storm. What the hell though. It's funny, I was thinking that snowboarding was so different from surfing because the mountain, unlike the wave, is always there. But in fact, the snow is not. Still at the whim of ol' mother nature, especially out here at the coast. I did receive 4 days of passes for Sugarloaf in my stocking though, so I'm all fired up for that.

Almost totally done with my uncle's dissertation; it's been a fabulous read. Even though I've seen his slideshow, built his website, watched the videos, and talked to him many times about it, reading the daily journal is an entirely new level of understanding into the project. Specfically, seeing his perspective and the focus of his writing change through the year from documenting more or less the day's events to the deep internal movements that wilderness solitude brings about.

I think my favorite parts are his discussion about the idea that perhaps the physical universe came into existence out of Spirit because Spirit cannot intrinsically experience itself. In other words, consciousness is the glass though which "we" witness Spirit, and in doing so fulfill our purpose. From my experience, it's very convenient that the direct experience of Spirit also happens to be one of the most enjoyable states of being I've experienced. However, getting all the crap and bullshit out of the way to enable that state is perhaps one of the least enjoyable =)

The other favorite part is near the end of the year, when Bob lets go of the safety of his Buddhist practice to go as far into the natural world as he can. Perhaps a more accurate description is getting as close to, or removing as many physical, emotional, and psychological veils as possible, and in those moments being filled with, or more becoming, the world. Again, the reason this resonates so deeply is that it mirrors my own experiences, though I think is a few magnitudes more inclusive due to his state of being after nearly a year of wilderness solitude.

And the last thing I'll say in this post, and it's still about Bob's dissertation, is the level of pain that constantly weaves through his life. I agree with the Buddhist tenet that at its root life is suffering; in my opinion anyone who denies this has not spent enough time in the natural world witnessing first hand the raw brutality of existence, that every breath and every moment is realized only through the death of others. If you disagree, see how long life lasts when nothing dies to feed you, and your movements kill no living thing, your shadow robs no plant of sunlight, and your garments are neither of animal, plant, or synthetic origin (in other words, you're naked). Though I digress, my point is that aside from the reality of the undeniable existential pain every living thing must ultimately accept, there is a whole other realm of pain that Bob discusses; the wounds the arise from growing up with a father that was largely unable or unwilling to show love in any meaningful way that his son could understand. My uncle is now over half a century old, and those wounds continue to fester. I know he's not the only one, and I know that my kids will never, ever doubt my love and acceptance of them. Sure, there may be periods of anger and frustration, where the "you don't even know who I am" and "if you really loved me you'd xxxxxxx", but really underneath all that, if Raelin and her unborn sibling cannot look into their hearts and know without a doubt that their father loves them so much that he would lay down his life for them, and I would, in a heartbeat, in my opinion, I'll have failed a mighty test of parenthood.

Work break =)

OK, so sitting here with my newly-brought-downstairs amp powering my been-sitting-in-a-corner-for-years-now PSB Alpha Mini speakers. The setup replaces my Cambridge Soundworks computer speakers, which are now upstairs taking the place of a real stereo.

A good buddy pinged me about speaker advice a while back, and we IMed about it yesterday, and it got me thinking "I spend all day at this desk, how killer would it be to have the better sound down here?" So I did it. And now, The Sushi Club is groove-chilling along and my desk is vibrating, which gives a nice body-level experience. Plus the sound is soooooo much better. Not as thumpy without a sub, but such higher fidelity. I like it.

Anyhow, we're sort of in the calm before the storm here; should be getting pretty nasty tomorrow and tomorrow night. Here's to it staying cold and snow, rather than the "wintry mix" that has been forecast.

While the phrase "wintry mix" may sound like a nice assorted bowl of mints one puts out at a party, this is not the case. It is in fact a pretty face on some shitty weather than includes: snow, sleet, rain, freezing rain, hail, etc. Throw all those together at once, with temps hovering around freezing, and you get some pretty yucky stuff. Plus it has the potential to really screw up the very nice snow pack we've got right now. Sigh.

Anyhow, got in another few turns up on the local hill a couple days ago. We got a few inches of powder here. And I mean *powder*. This stuff was so light and dry it seemed fake. Anyhow, the last dump of 7" had settled in nicely, and then this topped it off, so I took the dog and went to Beech Hill, walked up, and rode the sweet short back section. Time was short though, so only 3 runs =(

The other good news is Camden Snow Bowl opens next week!!! Yahoo!!! Not the biggest or best ski mountain, but it's close and cheap, so I'm not complaining. Of course, there's still lots of off-piste to be explored this season, though most of it requires a bit more snow than we've got now. Already have lots of scratches on my board's base.

Anyhow, this entry is pretty silly and frivolous, and as Raelin just called down to me through the cat door "DINNER' READY!"

Where did the week go?

Man, turn around and whoompf, another week goes by!

It's been a good and full one. My folks were here from out West, which is always a treat in so many ways. They love to see Raelin, and she them, and so there's lots of help with her. It was really sad this morning when it was time for them to leave. Raelin didn't want to say bye, literally. I think perhaps she thought that if she didn't say bye, they wouldn't leave. So she wouldn't give kisses or hugs, though finally did blow kisses. After they drove off, and I was already feeling pretty sad, Raelin said she wanted to give them hugs, and when we told her that she wouldn't see them again for a few months (a long time in toddler time), she started sobbing. Then I started crying, and Kelly got teary, and we had a little family sad time on the couch. And after a few minutes, being the toddler she is and more or less in the moment, Raelin cried all of her sad tears and was ready to be happy again. And who can be said with a happy Raelin around? Not me, that's for sure!

We've also gotten our first real snow of the season. Last Friday we got about 7 inches, then last night and this morning another 2 or so. Saturday morning a buddy picked me up before dawn and we headed to a local hill I've been checking out all year. We hiked up and caught the sunrise, though not before sampling the new white stuff on our snowboards. And let me tell you, taking the first run of the season on powder that's not quite deep enough to keep the board and body from the frozen ground is a bit interesting. Let's just say that both of us took a few runs to remember how to turn, and my board picked up some nice scratches on the bottom. I headed back up today since the original snow has had a chance to settle and pack, and the new stuff was absolute light-dry-powder, like something off a movie set. Our tracks from the other day were gone, and instead of a human I brought the dog with me. We had a blast, and even though there was only time for 3 quick runs, it was great. Excellent snow and I hardly even hit the ground with my board! Hope the snow season keeps up this way. I've already got my sights on some other local hills, and there's always Acadia, though that'll have to wait for a special dump =)

We're staying

After some thinking, talking, and talking some more it's become pretty obvious that the old farm house is just not something that we need to take on in our lives. In either "Your Money or Your Life" or "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" the following thought is written "If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten." We already complain that life is too hectic, that there's never enough time or money left over. Yet we also have more of either than most on this planet, and can look no further than our own choices that fill up our days. If for no other reason than this, we needed to not take on another massive project. Let alone time with our kid(s) is already so short, and the days when Raelin will want nothing more than to sit and play with her mommy and daddy are numbered; it would be sheer madness to fill those days with a house remodel.

On Saturday we went and looked at another house. A very small house. On a small lot. For a lot less than our current house is worth. We could have likely picked it up for around $100K, then dropped another $20-$30K into it. Did I mention that it was small, like 900 square feet small? It seemed somewhat doable until I saw the washer and dryer. In the kitchen. With no place to put even our small table without adding a room.

See, Kelly had set this meeting up earlier in the day and had timed it to be after nap time. Nap time though, was later, and Kelly also napped. So I found myself with our quiet house to myself on a quiet chilly Sunday afternoon. The only house projects I have right now are noisy. I thought about working or reading a book, though instead picked up my guitar and sat by the window quietly picking for an hour, watching the golden light from the low winter sun changing on the bare trees behind our house and the hills across the lake. And it became very clear to me, as I have sensed since we moved into this house, that perhaps the most significant thing for me about the place is not the house (as beuatiful as it has become) at all, but what is beyond it. The view is not one of sweeping grandeur; really, it's quite the opposite, somewhat intimate and close in, yet still expansive. It's still an emotional doorway into the natural world that I don't even realize is there until I go to someone's home where it is not.

After she woke up, Kelly came out to join me and we chatted about house stuff, and as we talked I saw far off in the distance an eagle, which slowly got closer and flew right over our yard and out over the lake. As I thought about that today I remembered that the first time we saw the house I looked out over the lake and saw an eagle soaring; it was one of the first I'd seen in Maine and the sight has stayed with me. I believe in omens and medicine, that the natural world is full of signs and gifts if we are open to them with a quiet heart and mind, and pure spirit. Eagles speak pretty loud; load enough that even in my typical frantic mental state I become still to the core and stop whatever I'm doing to watch them and experience their absolute perfection.

Last night as we returned from some friends' housewarming party, a small flock of geese came in to land on the lake; I heard the rush of air over their wings and backs as much as saw their dark outlines against an almost dark sky. This morning, just after dawn they departed, climbing into the sky over our house in the golden light. A few minutes later a flock of ducks followed.

After seeing that small house, Kelly and I talked about how much it adds to our lives to live where we do. Sure, our the house might not be everything we'd dream, and also has some pretty big limitations on what we can do to it to hold our growing family, but it sits in one of the most fabulous places I've seen since being here, and that's not something to lightly cast off. Quite the opposite, we both agree that it's worth quite a bit of compromise to keep.

Ramble on

So it's late, and I had a beer, and I'm groggy. But there's a lot going on in the headspace, so here's to blogging...

When I was in BC, my uncle dropped with an easily audible thumb the two bound volumes that are his PhD dissertation. All 600 pages of them (told you it was audible). I've been somewhat sucked in, one could say, though I'm only to page 162. Anyhow, reading the journal of his experience in solitude has been very moving. Not moving in the way that some thing of stunning craftsmanship is moving, because it's a journal; it's hardly crafted at all. On the contrary, it's so moving because I can identify so much with it. More than that, I feel so blessed to have this family in my life, specifically Kelly and Raelin, though also my folks, brother, aunts and uncles.

Bob talks a lot about solitude as an entry point into a space to let go, to practice, to heal. The longest I've been alone is 4 days on a vision quest. I've also done a few solo backback trips, though most of them had a dog along, which makes it not *really* a solo trip. And certainly not one where I ever had to face the fear of being truly alone in the wilderness as having a dog gives a strong sense of security that is very possibly quite false.

Anyhow, that's not the point. The point is that while I may not enter solitude to find all those things, I did enter a relationship with Kelly culminating in marriage and now having a couple of kids. I can't help but think that so much of the neurotic feedback loop gets quickly short circuted in relationship. At least in honest relationship. Without waxxing too philisophic about it, I know that having Kelly in my life, and taking the emotional risks of opening to her as deep as I know how, have brought me to new understandings of meaning, joy, love, and peace. It is by no means an easy road, and it took some major surrender by both of us to get here, though it was so incredibly worth it. And if being in relationship required letting go, becoming a parent has made getting married look like a cake walk!

The other thing that strikes me about the journal is the ongoing connection with the natural world. I don't get out into the woods as much as I did when I was younger. At least, I don't get out for extended trips as much. And while nothing can make up for the lightness that comes with rising and setting with the sun, and building one's day around the rhythms of the mountains and rivers, there is a distinct connection that runs through my days here. It's fostered by our view, and where we live. Not just being in a rural area, but looking out the windows into the woods and to the lake, watching birds and other critters living their lives and the trees and plants cycle through the year.

We've been participating in the questionably-sane activity of looking at houses. We're not by any means looking to move, though we're also aware of the long-term limitations this home holds for us, and the financial strain of living at the limit of our means. So, we've been looking at houses. One of them is an old farm house. Turns out it belongs to a friend of mine and he's selling it in the process of cutting loose from the area to go back to school. In many ways, it's not a very wise thing to be thinking about doing right now. There are a lot of known issues that will cost money to remedy, and there are several unknown issues that have the capacity to cost a lot of money to remedy as well. That said, the house in it's current state is pretty cheap and the price may go down more. We may need it to go down depending on what the numbers we'll be running start coming out to. Also, it's on a stunning piece of property that overlooks town and out to the islands beyond. It's one of the few areas that we've seen near town that really moves us. I've even stopped on rides up there to stretch on the side of the road in a warm spring breeze to just sit and look out over the green fields, trees, and the blue ocean.

Aside from the money, it'll take time; a lot of it. Either a lot of our time, or pay some one else to spend their time on it. With Raelin at 2 and a half, and another baby on the way, we wonder if this is really the stage in our lives to take something on like this. After being through 1 remodel and owning a house for almost 2 years, I have no illusions of how much time it takes to do these things. As my dad said, I've done enough projects to know there's no such thing as a quickie; everything always takes longer and costs a bit more than anticipated. So, is that something we want to take on when there's 2 young kids that want nothing more than to spend time with us? Who don't care where we live, or what our view is? I really don't know.

I do know that we tend to spread too thin, that there's a lot I want to do with my business over the next couple of years that could have me working some long hours again. Throw that in there and he picture gets fuzzier, not clearer.

Anyhow, told you it would be a ramble...